Queenie Reason

Over the years we have heard of persons in the public domain who have committed suicide.
We express shock and horror, pay tributes to them then move on until the next person commits
suicide. Suicide has now become a way of life. It is no respect of age or sex. There are some
persons who have a known history of mental illness. There are others who turn to suicide as they
find it difficult to cope with the stresses of life and for them that is their only option. When it comes
closer to home, we ask why and wonder why this person did not reach out to us or how come we
did not see the signs.

In the past, we have always seen information on behaviours before persons take their life, such as,
telling others goodbye, giving away things or writing a note. There are some who out rightly will
share that they intend to commit suicide. In these instances they are never ever believed so no-one
tries to get the necessary help for them. Let me retreat here as there have been instances when the
individual is known to be suicidal or suffers with mental illness where help is given.

Sometimes it is hard to tell if someone we are close to will commit suicide. There may be signs that
we should not ignore as well as there are some that we should ignore. It’s really hard to tell, however,
some possible solutions are:

· Be aware of the changed behaviours of your family member or friend.

· Ask questions as to the reason for these particular behaviours to get clarity.

· Probe if the response seems a little off.

· Seek the assistance of others if you need a second opinion.

· Seek the appropriate help for the person.

Whereas some observations may be unfounded, it is better to be safe than sorry. It can always be
shared that this line of questioning is out of concern for the person. Not all will admit to their feelings
or share their true feelings, we can at least try. We may not always be our brother’s keeper but we
can try. You may be able to save a life.

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A mother wails the senseless killing of her child, the community and nation mourns with her. This is just one of the many atrocities that now beset us. It is a dastardly act done by some scum of the earth and everyone calls for justice. When will it all end?When will all this senseless crime and violence against each other end?

This will end when parents start parenting their children. It has to start now and with all stakeholders, whether at school or at church.

For many like myself, we have come from an era of children must be seen and not heard. It was a bit harsh yes but more children behaved. We then moved to a generation where some eased up on their children while others maintained the strict discipline on which they grew up. We then moved to unfortunately where the rod was spared and the child spoilt and unfortunately that’s where we are.

We have now come to a point where parents no longer discipline their children and teachers are afraid to do the same. Sadly, young children’s misbehaviors are seen as ‘cute’ or there is the excuse that he/she is only a baby. Yes they may be young in age but can still be taught the right way and they are capable of learning.

It is said that babies are born ‘tabula rasa’, meaning an empty slate, some theorists will disagree. I’ll say they are born with instinct that lets them know to cry when they are hungry, or need changing or feeling pain or uncomfortableness. And it is deemed okay as he is not corrected otherwise. Guess what? There is someone who hurries to feed , change or soothe them depending on the need. Now they learn that they can command the attention of an adult by crying. Freud refers to the ‘pleasure principle’ or id. At no negative consequent to them a child knows how to manipulate others. As he gets older, walking, talking, he may not cry but can take things that are not given to him or say things that may be inappropriate but considered cute or funny by adults. Easily he learns that he can get whatever he wants still at no consequence. By age six or seven the behaviours continue, now when the parent tries to correct the child, the child resists and so is allowed to do as he pleases as parent has lost control. The child goes to school and having not learnt from home to respect authority, refuses to obey his teacher. The teacher either punishes or ignores the child and the negative behaviour continues.

The child grows into an adult who is only ruled by his id. He can say or do what he wants without any consequence, or so he thinks. He refuses to accept society’s standards as he was never taught right from wrong or appropriate behaviour in different situations. The only thing that he knows and is ruled by is his id. He doesn’t need to ask, he just takes, or better yet, he expects to receive at all times so if anyone denies him his pleasure,then, there will be consequences for them.

This scenario can be multiplied as many times over and we are faced with a generation without guidance or conscience.

We have to go back to parenting, teaching our children right from wrong, which behaviour is appropriate in which situation and the consequences for their actions.

The ‘cute’ child turns into an adult who no one wants to be around, and is not only feared by society but also the parent.

We need to change this cycle.

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It is now the time of year where parents are making back to school preparations and depending on the school that children attend the level of preparation will vary. There are uniforms to be made, purchased or altered, books to be purchased and school fees to be paid. As a matter of fact, at this time, the uniforms should have already been procured and books purchased.

Summer-time in Jamaica is one of the busiest for dressmakers and tailors and there are many orders to fill. Whereas I would not suggest too early in July if you are getting the uniforms made I would safely say at least the last week in July, first week in August. You don’t want to do it too early as your child may grow a bit or put on a little weight and you don’t want him/her to be uncomfortable at school. If you are purchasing at the store, I would suggest shopping two weeks before school reopens as at least you should get a good fit for the new school year.

Secondly, there is the matter of books and school supplies. These can be purchased as soon you get the book list reason being that there will be increases between when school closes for summer holidays and when they reopen for the Christmas term. Once you start to purchase in August, you can expect to pay more as you will be affected by increases.

In addition to purchasing materials for school, another important thing for back to school should be to get a complete medical. Parents should ensure that their child or children also visit the dentist, optician and if possible get their ears tested. Many times children are not seeing clearly and it goes unnoticed as neither child nor parent is aware that there is a problem. It is important that this is done as if the child is not seeing the board clearly then it will affect learning.

Now that the uniforms and books are procured and the medical is done and all is well, it is now a time to have an excellent school year!!

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Recently I watched an episode of Judge Judy where a mother took her daughter to court for repayment of monies loaned. I do not normally watch this so I don’t know if it was a new episode or repeat. Unfortunately for the mother, she was not able to recoup her money on the basis that she loaned money to someone who did not have the resources to repay in the first instant. As a matter of fact, the money was used to pay a utility bill.

As it turned out, this daughter thought that her mother was not there for her as a child anyway so nothing is wrong if she is collecting from her now. It is her impression that her mother owes her!.

I believe that as parents we should try to make the path easier for our children than we had growing up. Don’t get me wrong as I’m not saying that children should be spoilt and given anything that they want. They should be taught the value of work and going after their dreams but grant them the necessary support that helps them along and make the path smoother. Not many parents can or even will do that as we have different ways and means of bringing up our children and that’s okay. Everyone’s circumstances are different.

It appeared that this mother was emotionally, physically and financially unavailable to her child and unfortunately this daughter resented her for it. I get that but she herself has now become a parent and still expects her mother to be the mother she should have had as a child.

Now you tell me. Is this mother still responsible for her adult child? As an adult I have had challenges where I did need my mother’s support which she gladly did but this is no way suggests that she is obligated to me. This young lady actually went on to say, “once a parent, always a parent.” True as it is, it does not mean that as children regardless of age, our parents are still responsible for us. Yes she was still bitter about her childhood but this young lady needs to move on. Seek the necessary help to forgive and try to build a positive relationship with her mother.

I have met persons in my line of work who will share how strict their parent was while they were growing up or they were not sent to school and so they are unable to read. Unfortunately, they were making excuses for how their lives turned out. Did their upbringing contribute? Yes it did but they are no longer children so they have to now take responsibility for their own lives and create the change that they want. Be the parent that they wanted for themselves for their children.

I believe that parents should take care of their children and make the transition to adulthood as comfortable and fulfilling as possible. I’ll reiterate that it is my view. However, I do not believe that adult children should think that their parents are obligated to them regardless of their upbringing.

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When is the right time to leave a toxic relationship? I have heard stories of persons from four years to never. This is always followed by a but. I’ve always wondered why this but was not used as the deal breaker in the initial courtship instead of wanting to change the “but”. Yes there are quirks that can be lived with and sometimes it is actually the person who is finding the fault that really needs to check themselves. So, two situations grabbed my attention recently that I would like to share.

Firstly, after four years of a toxic marriage, the wife decided to call it quits. Although not physical, it was emotionally abusive. The wife could not go out with friends, he would question her spending, would shut down on her and make her life miserable during these times. Also, would refuse to apologize for saying cruel things and would even threaten to leave unless she convinces him of her love for him.

Yes, there are the manipulative individuals who would not show their true colours until they are won over in the relationship but make no bones about it, unless you get married within six weeks of meeting, this toxic behaviour will show up before you say “I do”.

This is why there is courtship. This is the period during which you get to know each other and as such make the decision if this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with based on what you see or experience. Sure the person displays great qualities which in number outweigh the bad but that one bad may be so toxic that it wipes out all the good ones. Use this as a sign and don’t focus on the good only.

The signs are always presented but we often overlook them as the focus is more on the expectations as against what exists. There is no rule or law that the first or second person that you fall in love with is ‘the one’. Yes there are some persons who are that lucky to find their ‘one’ in their first or second relationship but love is not a one size fits all. I’m sure during courtship he wanted her to ditch her friends to be with him but she was wearing rose coloured glasses and in the throes of love so did not recognize that he was being possessive or selfish but saw it as being madly in love.

Marriage does not change anyone, the only thing that changes is the status from single to being married. Well after four years of toxicity, this lady decided to call it quits unbeknownst to the husband who after one of his episodes had a heart to heart talk with his wife and finally saw the error of his ways and became remorseful and vowed to do better, which he did. Unfortunately for him, it was too late. She had already mentally checked out of the relationship. This was four years late in coming but where there's life there’s hope.

I can’t stress this enough to whether male or female, decide what you want in a relationship and determine if that is what you are getting. If not, know your dealbreaker.

Have the discussions not to criticize the person but to let them know how you feel in the relationship. I do believe that people can change and do change but there is a difference if they want to or are willing to. Also they should change for their personal development and not just for you or they will soon revert to their former self.

I did say two situations however, I’ll leave the other for my next post.

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“Early in the morning I put breakfast at your table

And make sure that your coffee has it's sugar and cream

Your eggs are overeasy

Your toast done lightly

All that's missing is your morning kiss that used to greet me

Now you say the juice is sour

It used to be so sweet

And I can't help but to wonder if you're talking about me

We don't talk the way we used to talk

It's hurting so deep

I've got my pride

I will not cry

But it's making me weak”

These are the lyrics to the first verse of the song, “Superwoman” by Karyn White. How many remember this song in the late eighties? How many can can relate to this song, especially the second verse?

I have read about someone actually complaining that she has a nine to five job and is expected to take of the house and their young child. Her husband just waves to the child and that’s it! Whenever she complains about it, he chides her about it and informs her that women are doing all that with even more children!

Seriously?!! What does he thinks his role is in the house? Or better yet the role of a woman.

It is sad if in this day and age there are men who think that the woman’s place is in the house even with a nine to five job. I think that this is just selfish and inconsiderate and frankly, he has no love for his wife. No one would treat the one they love this way.

Secondly, he has no consideration for his child either. He is not by his actions even developing a relationship with his child!

Unfortunately, he may not even know how to give love so what seems like being selfish is more like someone who needs to be taught how to love. These are persons who end up being takers and not givers. Sadly, not all see that there is a problem and are willing to change.

Again, I will always say, during courtship, take note of how you are treated by your spouse. Do not take certain things for granted. You might not have been living together but I’m certain there were aspects of his selfishness that were shown during courtship which might have just been overlooked.

Ladies, define yourselves and your expectations. Know what your deal breaker is. I have always heard, “I love my man but...” Decide whether or not you can live with that but. Have the discussion when you notice some unacceptable behaviours then see how it is handled thereafter.

Remember, marriage does not change anyone, it’s the same person. The only thing that changes is the status of the relationship so be wise and choose wisely.

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This is the season for graduations. Students would be moving on to other institutions of higher learning to pursue courses to propel them into their respective career path. Unfortunately after three or four years of study there are some college graduates who regret the course of study and would prefer doing something else. Some have managed to switch majors before. There are others too who have even gone on to completing a Master’s before deciding to do something else.

In some instances, the field of study was the parent’s choice, in others, it is the student thinking this is what they want and for others studying beats being unemployed and keeps them engaged in something and hopefully out of trouble.

So how do parents get value for their money aside from the students pursue a career that they the parent wanted? Let us look at it differently, how does the student get to do what they want and love? Yes there are those who are still not sure and need parental input, but I have heard of instances where the student makes the decision but halfway through have changed their minds much to the disappointment of the parents. How do we rectify this problem?

In high schools there is career day in which persons would visit and share with students about their career or when the different universities or colleges have their open day, high schools visit and gather information. These are good ways in assisting in choosing a career but necessarily the right one.

Here are some tips which I hope will help in guiding either parent or student in choosing the right field of study.

Firstly, what area of study is your child gravitating towards?

Over the years what has been his/her better subject areas?

What gifts or talents have you observed them displaying?

What activities do they get more involved in during their spare time?

Do they display a passion for any field of study?

These are some of the questions you may ask to get a better feel of what field of study they would be more interested in or will make them happy. Also, there are free online psychometric tests which can help in determining your career path based on your interests.

Now this may not necessarily be what may make the parent happy but it is what your child will have to live with.

I remember my son asking me what career path he should take and my response was simply to do anything that he desired as long as it was legal and it was something that he could make a living from. As a matter of fact I remember when he was in high school and kept asking me what he should do. As it turns out, his classmates were being fed more of their parents’ interests than their own. When the time finally came for the discussion, it was easy to determine his field of study as it lined up with his talents and interests over the years. As it’s said when you do what you love, it does not feel like work.

I hope this helps whether parent or child in choosing the right career path. Good luck in finding the ideal area of study.

My Books on Life, Health and Love:

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Queenie Reason

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