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The Right Time to Leave
When is the right time to leave a toxic relationship? I have heard stories of persons from four years to never. This is always followed by a but. I’ve always wondered why this but was not used as the deal breaker in the initial courtship instead of wanting to change the “but”. Yes there are quirks that can be lived with and sometimes it is actually the person who is finding the fault that really needs to check themselves. So, two situations grabbed my attention recently that I would like to share.
Firstly, after four years of a toxic marriage, the wife decided to call it quits. Although not physical, it was emotionally abusive. The wife could not go out with friends, he would question her spending, would shut down on her and make her life miserable during these times. Also, would refuse to apologize for saying cruel things and would even threaten to leave unless she convinces him of her love for him.
Yes, there are the manipulative individuals who would not show their true colours until they are won over in the relationship but make no bones about it, unless you get married within six weeks of meeting, this toxic behaviour will show up before you say “I do”.
This is why there is courtship. This is the period during which you get to know each other and as such make the decision if this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with based on what you see or experience. Sure the person displays great qualities which in number outweigh the bad but that one bad may be so toxic that it wipes out all the good ones. Use this as a sign and don’t focus on the good only.
The signs are always presented but we often overlook them as the focus is more on the expectations as against what exists. There is no rule or law that the first or second person that you fall in love with is ‘the one’. Yes there are some persons who are that lucky to find their ‘one’ in their first or second relationship but love is not a one size fits all. I’m sure during courtship he wanted her to ditch her friends to be with him but she was wearing rose coloured glasses and in the throes of love so did not recognize that he was being possessive or selfish but saw it as being madly in love.
Marriage does not change anyone, the only thing that changes is the status from single to being married. Well after four years of toxicity, this lady decided to call it quits unbeknownst to the husband who after one of his episodes had a heart to heart talk with his wife and finally saw the error of his ways and became remorseful and vowed to do better, which he did. Unfortunately for him, it was too late. She had already mentally checked out of the relationship. This was four years late in coming but where there's life there’s hope.
I can’t stress this enough to whether male or female, decide what you want in a relationship and determine if that is what you are getting. If not, know your dealbreaker.
Have the discussions not to criticize the person but to let them know how you feel in the relationship. I do believe that people can change and do change but there is a difference if they want to or are willing to. Also they should change for their personal development and not just for you or they will soon revert to their former self.
I did say two situations however, I’ll leave the other for my next post.
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